Safety planning
What i
s a safety plan?
A safety plan might sound complicated – or even a bit extreme – but they’re easy to create and they can help you stay calm when you’re at risk of harm.
A safety plan can help you:
Work out where you stand
Think about your options
Help you picture your future depending on the decisions you make now.
A safety plan can help to limit the harm you experience within your toxic relationship.
Your plan might focus on the relationship you & your child have with your partner, the relationship you have with your parents – or your relationship with someone else – brother/sister/friend, etc.
What should I include in my safety plan?
Keep it simple. What can you do to stay safe when things kick off? How can you reach out for help? Who can help you? How can you find out about the support available in your area?
Think about the adults you can trust. Anyone else you want to include in your safety plan? A child of your own? Or a sibling? Are there different things you can do at home and at school/college/work to stay safe?
Writing your own safety plan
Keeping safe
A personal safety plan is a way to help you protect yourself and your children/siblings/anyone else affected.
You might find it helpful to…
Talk things through with someone you can trust – a friend, parent, teacher, youth worker, etc.
Review and update your safety plan regularly
Trust your instinct – you know your situation better than anyone else
Do things to build your confidence – the stronger you feel, the better
Go somewhere safe while you write your safety plan. And keep it hidden or password protected so no-one else can read it.
If you want to stay or can’t leave…
If you stay with someone who is hurting you – physically or emotionally – you won’t be able to stop their harmful behaviour. Only they can do that. But there are things you can do to increase your safety. Think about…
Widening your support network by talking to people you trust
Keeping your phone charged and in credit
Having someone else in the house if you expect something to kick off
Trying to stand near a door and thinking through your escape route
Asking a friend or family member to phone/pop in to check up on you
Arranging a ‘code’ that you can use on the phone to get help without it being obvious
Getting a neighbour to call the police if they hear shouting
Show children/siblings how to get help safely (i.e. dial 999)
You can’t stop someone else’s harmful behaviour. Only they can do that. But if you can’t leave – or aren’t ready to yet – you can still work on keeping safe when they’re around.
If you want to leave…
Leaving a partner you don’t live with…
If you don’t live with your partner, leaving the relationship will be more straightforward - at least in practical terms.
If you feel unsafe in the relationship, it’s best to end the relationship with a message. Be clear. And then block their number and social media accounts. Make a clean break.
Remember: you can leave a relationship for any reason. You do not have to justify your decision or listen to any attempts to get you to stay. You don’t even need to wait to read their reply before you block them.
Your partner might try to manipulate you into staying by crying or making threats to harm you or themselves. If you choose to finish with your partner face-to-face, be ready to deal with stuff like this to avoid feeling trapped.
“This isn’t working for me anymore, please don’t contact me again,” is enough. Avoid getting into an argument that might fuel anger, aggression or confrontation. Say it once and take steps to stop any further discussion.
Leaving someone you live with…
If you decide to leave the relationship, make sure you plan ahead for your safety.
Leaving can be a stressful time and the person harming you might escalate their behaviour if they find out you’re planning to leave.
Things can be a little more complicated if you live with someone who’s hurting you either physically or emotionally (or both)
Decide if you need to leave physically and work out where to go – a refuge, family or friends. Will you be safe if you stay locally or do you need to move away?
Be very careful to keep all arrangements and your new contact details secret
Make a checklist of important items to take when you leave (passport/birth certificate, etc.)
Gather items on checklist/think through how to get them in a hurry
Leave your checklist items with a friend/relative – on a gradual basis if necessary
Use the police if you’re worried you won’t get away safely – and social services if you’re a young person living with harmful parents
Think about who needs to know you’re safe and who needs to know where you are? – friends, family, school, key worker, etc.
Work out a good time to leave – when your partner’s out for a while/when you’re out for a reason (appointment, school, etc.)
Use the civil law (injunctions, etc) to protect you if needed
Keep evidence of the harmful behaviour logged (by you + police/other agencies if necessary)
Remember: you can leave a relationship for any reason.
After you’ve left…
After you’ve left the relationship…
Sort out any contact/residence arrangements if you have children
Work out how to get out of your new house in an emergency
Get help to make your house more secure
Keep your new address/contact details secret
Take care when out and about
Ask work to screen your calls
Write yourself a letter for ‘a rainy day’ when you’re feeling low and thinking maybe it wasn’t so bad
Talk to someone when you feel like going back to remind you of what it was really like
Be proud of how far you’ve come!
